Dissonance in my Head
by Cammie Fujisaki
Summary: Really, Tadase knew better than to let what the other students say get to him, but yet even though Nagihiko was, in his heart, a woman, his body obviously said otherwise. And no matter how much Tadase knew he had fallen in love with a woman, nobody else would see it this way. Tadahiko, one-shot. Rated as a precaution.


Warning: AU, Rather OOC, Yaoi, No lemons; rated for violence and other things (If you think it only deserves a T, tell me so I can change it.)

Based off of Butterfly on your right shoulder, Kagamine Len's version, which is where the title was taken from (And yes, besides that the title has absolutely nothing to do with the story)

~oOo~

It is often said that doing the right thing is so much harder than taking the easy way out, but this isn't true. Once it is done, the right thing is so much easier than the wrong thing, because the difficulty of accomplishing it cannot even begin to compare with the guilt of being weak. Few people recognize this, though, because few people can make the right decision.

He knew he couldn't…

He hadn't.

And all he could wonder was why the right thing seemed so hard at the time, but right now seemed so very easy.

~oOo~

The day it all began was a day much like any other. Some poor person's, who trusted their son to stay home alone while they were away on business, house was filled to the brim with teenagers drinking beer, smoking pot, and grinding onto each other in such a way was in not for the fact they were partially clothed, several girls would probably be pregnant.

Tadase was one of the many people attending this party, although he definitely wasn't as in to it as his stoned out of their minds friends. Instead of grinding up against a girl who acted like a pig but looked like a goddess, he was standing on the wall of the room, taking in the sight with a displeased look. Not being one who drinks, he was not partaking in the foul smelling beer his friends were downing, and therefore was not acting like a total buffoon. But because of this same reason, he was also bored out of his mind, and thoroughly unamused by his friends' drunken antics.

"You don't seem to be having much fun." Tadase turned to his right to see his long-haired classmate leaning up against the wall with his arms across his chest. He was startled to see the other, as the boy was highly unpopular, and therefore didn't attend many parties.

The reason why he was unpopular? He preferred to live in a skirt.

Now Tadase was not even close to speaking terms with Nagihiko, so the boy randomly appearing at his side startled him. What also startled him was how very much he looked like a girl tonight. Without the school's strict rules on make-up, he wore enough that it quickly changed his face from one of a vaguely feminine boy to a beautiful woman. And, while wearing a dress instead of his normal male uniform, Tadase thought that he would have never been able to tell that he was male at all.

"Well, a party's no fun if you're not wasted and don't have friends or a girlfriend to hang out with," Tadase muttered, not quite able to make eye-contact with the blacklisted drag queen.

"Oh? Then I guess I wouldn't like any parties then; I don't drink and don't have any of those things," Nagihiko said with a small chuckle, his voice coming out so femininely that Tadase did a small double take. Just like how he couldn't wear a skirt during school, and had to cut back on his makeup, he was forced to stick to his male voice. But here, he was just so womanly… he was just like a woman.

"You don't have any friends?" Tadase asked, only vaguely interested in the other's response, trying to look as if he wasn't talking to him, because frankly put he was a bit of a freak. Nagihiko smiled weakly.

"Well, of course not. Would _you_ be friends with a freak like me?" Nagihiko sighed, drawing Tadase's gaze to his pretty face. Even though he had changed a bit since childhood, his friends switching until he fell into line with the somehow popular, douchey jackasses, deep down inside he still had a bit of his kindhearted self from childhood, so Nagihiko's words struck a chord in his heart.

"What? You're not-" Nagihiko laughed.

"Don't even try to deny it. I've seen the way you and your friends look at me, like I'm filth." Despite himself Tadase couldn't help but realize that this was true. Every time that he and his friends passed the boy in the hall, they not only shot him dirty looks but also darkly insulted him, ridiculing his looks and personality, "wondering" loudly if he was a retard.

"I… I don't necessarily feel that way, though," Tadase muttered, shuffling his foot out of embarrassment for his actions. While he couldn't deny that he did in fact treat him this way, it wasn't as if it were his idea. He just followed along behind his friends, not really mocking those "lesser" to him, but not really sticking up for them either.

"Ah, so you don't think I'm a retarded pervert who deserves to die?" Nagihiko asked, almost challengingly, raising an eyebrow up under his long bangs. Tadase blushed, dropping his gaze to his feet.

"Well, no. I don't particularly think there's anything wrong with you cross-dressing, not that I understand it at all," Tadase murmured.

"Well then how should I explain this to you? To me, it's not as if I want to be a girl, but rather that I _am_ one, I've just been born into the wrong body," Nagihiko explained, trucking a strand of his long hair behind his ear. Tadase looked up at him, confused.

"So you feel like a girl inside? You're not so much of a cross-dresser but rather transgender then, right?"

"Yeah. I mean, it's hard. Not only do I have to live in a body that feels so foreign, but I also have to be ridiculed daily. And it's practically impossible to find a guy who would want to date me," Nagihiko said with a small, tasteless laugh. Tadase frowned.

"Why? You seem interesting enough. Once you get past the initial shock I'm sure a gay guy would date you. They're teased enough anyway that your reputation wouldn't hurt them," Tadase asked, not realizing how rude his words were until he spoke them. He blushed again, embarrassed at his bluntness, but Nagihiko just ignored it.

"That's the thing. Once I have the sex-change surgery, a gay guy won't want to date me anymore because I'll be a girl. And anyway, to me, I am a girl, so it would feel weird to date a gay guy." Tadase frowned as one of his friends hollered something at the top of his lungs. That whole situation seemed so unfair; Nagihiko seemed like a nice person to be around, but yet everyone was so harsh to him just because be was born with the wrong parts.

"I'm sorry, but your life sucks," Tadase replied with a sad expression on his face. Nagihiko smiled weakly at him, his hair falling around his face, making the only thought to fill Tadase's mind that he, or maybe she, was so strikingly beautiful.

"Yeah, I've known that for years. Nobody wants a freak like me," Nagihiko said, somehow accepting the way things were. But Tadase knew he shouldn't accept this. He was a person, just like everyone else, yet he was treated like shit. Why? He was pretty nice, from what Tadase could tell, and right now, while wearing the make-up and earrings, his long hair curled so that it fell to his waist in gentle waves, a knee-length black dress that accented the curves that few females were able to achieve, he was easily one of the most beautiful girls in the room.

"Well, maybe not nobody," Tadase muttered, and as Nagihiko gave him such a confused look he leaned forward. Without thinking about the consequences for his actions, without thinking about the room full of people and what the gossip for the next day may end up being, without thinking about the fact that Nagihiko was still considered a boy, and not even having the slightest clue what he was doing, Tadase captured his lips with his own.

And it felt so perfect. The way his lips covered Nagihiko's, how they were smooth and tasted like strawberries, was much more delicious than any of the kisses he had ever received before. Nagihiko let out a small surprised sound, his hand gripping onto the sleeve of Tadase jacket as his feet stumbled back a bit before Tadase pulled him back into him. And as the kiss deepened, Tadase's tongue slowly prodding at his lips until they parted and he was granted access, his heart pounded at such a rate Nagihiko was sure that it would fall right out of his chest. As Tadase's tongue intertwined with his, he felt one of the boy's hands wrap itself around his waist and the other sink itself into his hair.

After a minute that seemed like a year, Tadase pulled away for air, looking at Nagihiko as a small strand of spit dripped from his lips. Unable to say anything, Tadase just let his face go ten shades of red as he released the other. He quickly glanced around the room, and was rather relieved to find that everyone was occupied elsewhere, and nobody had seen the kiss.

"What… what was that?" Nagihiko asked, his voice low and breathless. Tadase shrugged his shoulders a little as he looked at the wall, unable to met his gaze.

"I'm not sure… I just felt like doing it," Tadase muttered, still unable to meet look at him. Why had he done that? For some reason, it was as if a magnet was pulling him forward; he had simply done it.

"Are you gay?" It was an innocent question, but yet it made Tadase cringe. Gay? If rumors of _that_ spread around….

"No, I'm not; I've always been attracted to women, and this is just another instance of that," Tadase still couldn't look at Nagihiko, but he knew that the other wore a pleasantly surprised look on his face.

"I… I came over to talk to you, or rather I even came to this party because I actually have had a huge crush on you for years," Nagihiko said, his voice so low that Tadase could barely hear it. For years? He remembered back in elementary school, the word "faggot" had been spread around about the highly effeminate boy. He remembered that even at that time nobody would go near Nagihiko, and Tadase had watched him sit in the corner of the classroom everyday during lunch, staring out the window with a sad look on his face. He had badly wanted to go over and say something to him, to perhaps even sit by him, so distressed by the way he was being treated, but had found himself unable. What if they began treating him like that too?

Tadase only had one thing to say about his confession, "Why?"

"Well, you've always seemed so nice. And, back in fifth grade, when nobody else would partner with me, and insults were being thrown around in every direction, you volunteered, and treated me just as you would anyone else," Nagihiko said with a slight smile. Tadase had forgotten about that. At the time it had seemed like such a small thing, and he had wished he could have done more to help the struggling boy, but perhaps his actions were as helpful as he had wished them to be.

"But that's not really all that much; I haven't ever stood up for you," Tadase protested, not wanting Nagihiko to feel grateful about such a small, insignificant thing. Nagihiko shook his head.

"It may seem like that wasn't much to you, but it meant the world to me. You were the first, and the last, person outside of my family to be nice to me." And with that, Tadase's heart hurt even more. He was filled with regret that he had done nothing else. All these years, and being partners with him for a class project was the kindest thing anyone had done?

"I think that's a really sad thing," Tadase noted, a frown taking over his face. Nagihiko didn't respond, and the two simply locked eyes for a long moment before Tadase could speak. "My friend's won't miss me, so why don't we go somewhere together?"

By the look on Nagihiko's face, Tadase knew that he had just done something that would change both of them. He had finally given Nagihiko an act of kindness, finally let him belong. Although now he knew that his chance of escape was gone. He was linked to Nagihiko.

And, as the two walked down the hall and out the front door, close enough to each other that the shoulders were touching, he didn't really think he cared…

And he found himself subconsciously weaving his fingers in between Nagihiko's.

~oOo~

Shooting upright, his chest heaving as he took quick breaths, the covers from his bed fell down to his lap. He ran a hand through his hair, brushing his bangs from his face as sweat dripped onto his long fingers.

It was just a dream… just a dream.

But yet, this didn't relieve him, because he knew that the dream was based on much too much reality.

He sighed, untangling himself from the sheets as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed. Not again… he didn't want to keep feeling this guilt. What he had done, what he hadn't done.

All this guilt. All he could do was regret his actions, regret the past.

Why hadn't he stood up for what he wanted? Why hadn't he held on tighter?

If there was only one thing that he had learned from what had happened during that time, it was what it was like to have a heartrending feeling.

And now, he would never get to hold him in his arms again.

~oOo~

It had been a month since Tadase kissed Nagihiko, and a bit less than that since they had gotten together as a couple. Since that time they had spent many afternoons together, laughing and chatting about things they would have never guessed they had in common. Occasionally they would go out to somewhere low key, an unpopular restaurant or a shopping center across the city, Tadase not daring to go anywhere that he could run into someone he knew, who might ask them what they were doing together. And sometimes they would go to Nagihiko house, lock themselves in his room, and kiss each other for hours on end. They stopped there not because Nagihiko was unwilling to continue, but rather because Tadase was afraid to. To him, Nagihiko was a girl in every meaning of the word, but that didn't change the fact that his chest was flat and there was something there between his legs. Every time he wanted to continue, to rip Nagihiko's shirt off or let his hands trail lower, he involuntarily thought of his friends, and what they would say if they found out he had done something like that with a guy.

But yet, Nagihiko never complained with Tadase pulled back and dropped his head into his hands, he never complained when he told him he couldn't. He seemed to understand. But yet, Tadase knew it hurt him. What could he possibly do, though? No matter how much he liked Nagihiko, he was still a guy and Tadase was simply not attracted to men. What could he do about that?

Even though they had kept there relationship completely secret from everyone else, had not even spoken to each other in school, things were going pretty well between the two of them. Even though it hurt both of them to avoid each other in public, when they were in private they got along perfectly, as if they were made for one another. When Tadase had first visit Nagihiko's house his girlfriend's mother had burst into tears out of happiness, thanking Tadase almost a hundred times for being with her son even though he was different. And after that, whenever he saw Mrs. Fujisaki and she thanked him wholeheartedly, he couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt for how he abandoned Nagihiko during school. Nagihiko didn't really mind though, and somehow that was what made it all the worse.

On that afternoon, a month after they had gotten together, the two were strolling through the park, lazily basking in the sunlight and chatting about one thing or another. Tadase was feeling bold that day, so he had taken Nagihiko's hand in his and had kept the two entwined for quite some time. He couldn't help but notice the smile on Nagihiko's face at this, and noted that it was incredibly cute, especially when paired with a hint of a blush.

"You are so cute," Tadase noted with a smile, causing Nagihiko to blush all the more.

"Oh shut up," Nagihiko replied with a grin. A few long strands of hair that had gotten loose from a french braid down his back fell in front of his face, and Tadase stopped to brush them behind his ear. His hand trailed down her cheek, cupping it gently as Nagihiko leaned his face into his palm. He looked up at the blonde through half closed eyes, and even though they were in public Tadase couldn't help but lean forward, his lips coming closer and closer to the other's. But before they could meet, something stopped Tadase dead in his tracks.

It was the voice of one of his friends.

At once, Tadase was sent into a world of panic. If his friends so him with Nagihiko, questions would be asked, and in the end he would either have to completely hurt and humiliate Nagihiko, or confess that he was in a relationship with another male. Either way, there was no good ending to a situation in which the two were caught. So Tadase hurriedly grabbed a puzzled Nagihiko's hand, and ran in the opposite direction of where the voices were after a quick glance back.

"What's wrong?" Nagihiko asked, as Tadase raced across the small, open field towards the safety of the nearby grove of trees.

Tadase glanced back quickly, before responding, "I heard one of my friends."

"Oh," Nagihiko replied, his heart sinking once more. Even though he wouldn't let it show, he was humiliated every time that Tadase hid their relationship from everyone else. It left him feeling as though he was an embarrassment of him, and that he was unworthy of Tadase. Of course he didn't let it show, but at these moments he was incredibly saddened, and actually wished that he was born a girl not just because that was who he was, but because then Tadase wouldn't be ashamed of him.

Again, though, he didn't let Tadase know he felt this way, and just acted normally. He understood how Tadase felt, he understood why he didn't want everyone to know about everything, and Nagihiko would never want Tadase to be treated the way that he was, but yet he felt so hurt.

Then again, girls always were really emotional, right?

When they finally reached the trees, Tadase shoved him (a little bit forcefully) behind one of the larger ones and held him there, his hands on either side of his head. Tadase, as he breathed in deeply, gave Nagihiko an apologetic look. "I'm sorry about that."

"It's not a problem," Nagihiko replied, a small grin on his face. Tadase smiled at him, relieved that he wasn't upset, and leaned forward to peck his lips.

He was bad at reading emotions, so he thought everything was fine.

It wasn't though, and all the kisses in the world couldn't fix that.

~oOo~

Since he had woken up from that nightmare, the pain wouldn't stop. He kept seeing _his_ face flash across his vision. He kept reliving the events of _that_ day. He kept making the same stupid mistake again and again.

His heart ached, his whole body was consumed with the grief of what he had done. And as the knife slipped across his wrist, blood springing up before dripping down onto the cold bathroom floor, he was only granted a moment's relief from his pain. If only he could run the knife across his throat, plunge it into his heart... but that wouldn't do. He was much too scared to do that. And besides, what if when he died he just stopped being? Then, even in his fantasies, he couldn't be with him again, and he would rather face the mistakes of his past than forget about him all together.

His parents noticed his decrease in weight, how he wasn't eating as much, and how he would spending a bit too much time in the bathroom. A few times they had heard him retching, but yet they didn't help him. How could they acknowledge everything that had happened? And, even if they could face the truth, how could they possibly comfort him?

Others had noticed the scars on his wrists, but nobody could say anything about that. He was so isolated at this point, nobody he knew could approach him about anything. The teasing, the bullying, it didn't affect him one bit.

And everyone had just cut him out of their lives, even his own parents.

But, he thought with a grin, relishing the feel of his skin breaking and giving way to the blood underneath, he thought that perhaps it was better this way.

~oOo~

Another month or so had passed, and Tadase was getting restless. His desires were growing, and all he wanted to do was go farther and farther with Nagihiko. Regardless of his gender, he wanted to tear the boy's clothes off and take him so hard he would cry out in ecstasy. It seemed a little rough when phrased that way, but Tadase had changed much over the past few months. All he wanted now was to get away from the world and instead have Nagihiko and only Nagihiko for the rest of his left,

And one day, when the two were in Nagihiko's room, kissing as usual, Tadase couldn't stand it any longer.

Before he knew what was happening, he felt his hand slip under Nagihiko's shirt. He was met with a sharp intake of breath as he traced the boy's smooth abs, his hand slowly raising to where his breasts ought to be. Of course, all he met were decently developed pectoral muscles. But yet, it wasn't as bad as he thought it would have been. Yes, Tadase was would much rather be touching a female, but Nagihiko's body wasn't so bad. He thought that touching a male would be a big turn off, but since this was _Nagihiko _perhaps it made it different.

Tadase leaned forward a bit, propping himself up on his free hand in order to deepen their kiss, their tongues battling vainly for dominance. As they did this, Tadase's hand slipped around to Nagihiko's back, slowly tracing down his spine before running across the waistline of his pants. Again, he could feel Nagihiko's breath hitch at this, as the boys wrapped his arms around Tadase's neck, pulling their torsos together. Without consciously deciding to do so, Tadase moved his hand so that he was gripping the other's butt, enjoying the way it felt in his hand.

Tadase could feel himself getting aroused. Not quite there, but on his way, he wondered if it perhaps wouldn't be all that bad to have sex with a male. Was there so much of a difference anyway? Sure, Nagihiko had a dick, but inside he didn't have that at all. Sure, it may look different, but it would still feel so very good...

Just as he was beginning to consider the option of having sex with Nagihiko, he felt the other grind his hips up into his, and he heart nearly stopped. Oh god, yes Nagihiko definitely had a dick, he could feel it. And, he was probably more turned on than Tadase.

Part of Tadase thought that it had felt rather good, that he wanted to rip the other's pants off and plunge in straight away. But part of Tadase was disgusted. This was a _dick_. Now way could he do something like this with someone who had one of those!

Again, his friends, and the rest of his class, crossed his mind. What would they say about this? They'd call him a fag. But Tadase wasn't gay, he wasn't a fag! He just happened to like a girl who was in the wrong body! It wasn't Nagihiko's fault! But yet, a boy was a boy. If Tadase had sex with Nagihiko, no matter what he'd like to say, he was having sex with a man. And, if he were to have sex with a man, he would be gay.

Tadase broke away, his heart pounding as his head swam. What was he doing? He was just going to hurt Nagihiko again; _he_ was the one who had initiated this kind of contact! But yet, what if he did do it with him? What was that going to mean?

Nagihiko's startled eyes bore up into him, and beneath the shock Tadase could get the slightest hint of sadness and regret. "I'm sorry, I can't do this."

"No, it's my fault, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..." Nagihiko bit his lip, unable to vocalize what he had done. Tadase felt sick, out of guilt or the thought that Nagihiko had almost dry-humped him, he didn't know.

"I... I can't handle this. I mean, I couldn't touch a..." Tadase couldn't say it, but Nagihiko knew. He knew that although Tadase liked him, he was revolted by the male part of him. He had foolishly hoped when his hand has slid beneath his shirt that that meant he was able to accept how Nagihiko's body was, but sadly that was not true. It was just too much for him to handle.

"I understand," Nagihiko muttered, nervously glancing up, his eyes widening slightly at the bulge beneath his boyfriend's pants. "Do you want me to help you with that? You wouldn't have too touch me."

The option was incredibly tempting, but yet Nagihiko was a boy. Oral or anal, sex was sex. Having Nagihiko pleasure him was still letting a boy pleasure him, and he would still be considered gay. How could he face everyone knowing this? Knowing that if they knew he would be branded a faggot and ridiculed, outcasted from everyone else?

"N-no, I'm fine," Tadase said with a quick shake of his head. He grabbed his jacket off the nearby chair and held it in front of his groin in order to hide the problem. "I... I should be going now anyway. I'll see you tomorrow."

Tadase turned and ran from the room, unaware that when the door shut Nagihiko's head fell into his hands and he groaned at his own stupidity. He was unaware the Nagihiko was disgusted by himself, ashamed by what he had done. Tadase had done so much for him, by just being there for him, and he had gone and pushed things too far with someone who just wasn't ready.

Tadase had no idea of what exactly Nagihiko was feeling, and instead, as he ran towards the exit to his house, he wondered if perhaps Nagihiko was mad at him.

"Oh, you're leaving already?" Tadase stopped and turned around, his eyes wide, to see Nagihiko's mom standing there, a concerned expression on her face, "I was going to invite you to stay for dinner."

"I appreciate the offer, Fujisaki-san, but I have to be going home now," he replied, with a faint smile. At this, the woman furrowed her eyebrows, taking a hesitant step forward.

"Sweetheart, are you alright?" she asked, a concerned expression on her face.

Tadase was confused. "Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

Mrs. Fujisaki bit her lip before saying, somewhat hesitantly, "Well... you're crying, dear."

Tadase raised a hand to his face, and was shocked when he felt wetness. Oh, so he was crying. Why?

"Did something happen with Nagi-chan?"

At this moment, Tadase wanted to tell her, he really did. He wanted to tell her how confused he was. He wanted to know why he was so attracted to Nagihiko, but yet was revolted by the though of being with a man. He wanted to be comforted, to be told that Nagihiko would understand his dilemma, and that he would forgive him. But how could he tell a woman that he couldn't accept her child, couldn't have sex with him even though he so desperately wanted it?

"No, nothing really," Tadase lied, wiping his eyes dry with his hand. The woman in front of him seemed to sense that he was being dishonest though, and let out a small sigh.

"Honey, if you're going to be in a relationship with Nagi-chan, it's going to be a quite complicated and confusing thing. Even though in every way she is a girl, her body says otherwise. And that's hard to deal with. But at this point, by just being there with her, you've already done more than she would ever dare ask for."

Tadase couldn't quite be completely satisfied by this, and just nodded. "I'll see you later, Fujisaki-san."

And as Tadase left, he had to wonder why those tears were falling. It took him a while to realize that they weren't there because he was weak and scared, but they were there because he had hurt someone that he liked so very much.

And they would keep falling, as things just got worse.

~oOo~

The young man sobbed, his body convulsing uselessly as tears streamed down his face.

"I was serious, dammit. You should have chased me more," he moaned, his fingers gripping the cold white porcelain before he gave vent to his loneliness into the toilet bowl once again.

"Just kill me now."

~oOo~

And so the end began. After that day, the day Tadase ran out of Nagihiko's room, the two never got so close to each other again.

No, they didn't break up. They kept going on dates, Tadase kept visiting his house, eating dinner with him, giving him kisses goodbye as he left for the night, but yet there was a bit of hesitancy, a reluctance for what was happening.

And anytime that Nagihiko took a step towards him, Tadase would take a step back. They were stuck in an eternal game of chase, and no matter how fast Nagihiko ran, Tadase would be one step ahead of him. As hard as he tried to get things back to normal, the events of that day hung over their heads, and Tadase couldn't handle it. Yes, he liked Nagihiko, but Nagihiko was technically a man and no matter which way you looked at it, Tadase just didn't like men.

As Nagihiko ran after him, Tadase would occasionally stop for a second, turn around hesitantly, and slowly raise a hand. But, before Nagihiko could grasp it, he would pull it back, spin around, and take off in the other direction once more.

Nagihiko tried to take bigger strides, but the bigger the risk the more withdrawn Tadase grew. And he was left wondering it everything was all his fault.

And Tadase... Tadase just grew more and more worried, more and more scared. And as he stopped holding Nagihiko's hand, stopped wrapping his arms around his body, he had to wonder, was it even real anyway?

~oOo~

He threw the knife to the floor as he stumbled into his room, lightheaded due to lack of sleep, lack of food, and the cuts on his wrists. He sighed, stumbling over to his bed, swaying back and forth accidentally, much too tired to be thinking straight. He looked down at his wrists, a few drops of blood still sliding across his skin, leaving a red trail.

"Is what's leaking from my wound love perhaps, or..."

He couldn't finish, collapsing onto his bed with a moan. No, this was definitely not the way it was supposed to be.

~oOo~

Tadase froze, his eyes staring enormously at the sight before him. He had returned to the classroom to get the notebook he had forgotten , and couldn't get farther than the doorway because of the horrifying sight in front of him.

He had entered without hesitation, because he had heard his friends voices inside, and thought that weird as Nagihiko also had to be there for cleaning duty, not even considering what might be unfolding.

Well, it was so incredibly preposterous, why would anyone ever imagine...?

"Wha-" Tadase could barely whisper, the sight in front of his horrified him so, made him so sick to his stomach. He was going to throw up, pass out, go up and punch his asshole friends in the face, beat them until they were bloody and throw them from the window.

Nagihiko was bent over the teacher's desk, duct tape over his mouth, his fingers clawing at the wooden surface even though one of the guy's was holding his wrists down. His pants were down around his ankles, and his bare ass was high in the air, held there by Tadase's so-called "best friend," who was currently doing the unthinkable. By the desperate sounds he was making, Tadase could tell that Nagihiko was in obvious pain, not enjoying it one bit.

But yet, Tadase's friends obviously were. The bystanders hissing dark insults, cruelties about if he was such a fag he should enjoy this, and that he had nobody to blame but himself. The one actually doing the deed smirking cruelly, making sure to be as rough as possible.

A thousand thoughts raced through Tadase's mind, ranging in emotions from angry, distressed, horrified, and disgusted. Most of all, Tadase felt guilty. Even though he had nothing to do with this, he couldn't help but feel like it was all his fault.

After a short time (Tadase was in such a state he couldn't tell if it was a second or an hour) one of his friends glanced at the door, his eyes widening as he stared straight at him. "Shit."

Everyone halted mid-motion and looked toward the doorway, the attacker in a panic, but Nagihiko quite desperately. Tadase's eyes met everyone else's in turn, before stopping to stare into Nagihiko's. Tears he was obviously trying desperately to hide were welling up on the corner of his brown eyes, threatening to fall from his face. Tadase couldn't breathe.

What could he do now? Save Nagihiko, of course. All he had to do was reprimand his friends, go and run for a teacher's help, or rush in there and punch his "friends" straight in the face. All he had to do was tell them to stop, go in and try to help, make a scene... All he had to do was yell. Others would come, his friends would be caught, and Nagihiko would be saved. But where would that leave him? They would be mad at him, they would despise and bully him like they did Nagihiko. He would be called a fag.

He had so many options to save Nagihiko right now, but they were just so hard to accomplish.

A muffled sound left Nagihiko's covered lips, and Tadase could feel, even though the words were not audible, that he had said his name, pleaded for him to help him. But then Tadase looked up and met the others' eyes. If they were against him, everyone else would be. He would be humiliated daily.

When he was younger, it was Tadase's dream to be strong enough to help those weaker than him, to help those who couldn't help themselves. But, as his grandmother died, his parents fought, and the people he treated as siblings betrayed him, he just grew weaker and weaker.

So he took a step back and, after giving Nagihiko a long, apologetic look, slid the door shut behind him. He briskly walked down the hall, trying not to think of what had just happened, willing it to just be a dream.

And yes, he was filled with an immense amount of guilt, but how was he supposed to save Nagihiko when he couldn't even save himself?

He didn't wait for his friends, didn't wait for Nagihiko. How could he face either one?

He just kept walking, and he didn't look back.

~oOo~

He could only say one phrase to sum up his situation.

"I'm so regretful that I want to die."

~oOo~

Even someone who didn't know them personally could tell something was up between Tadase and his friends. The boy was staying clear of them in every way. Occasionally, one of them would approach him and try to start up a conversation, but Tadase would turn his head to show he wasn't interested. It came a great surprise to almost everyone in the class that his friends didn't get angry at this, but Tadase knew exactly why they didn't: they were afraid that he would tell someone if they crossed him. So they played nice, no longer hanging out together, but not harming each other in the slightest.

Tadase had become a bit withdrawn from everyone else as well. No, he definitely still interacted well with everyone else, giving the girls the typical smiles that made them swoon, joking around with the guys as usual, but every once in while he would fall silent and let out long sighs, staring off into space with a blank expression on his face.

If anyone cared about him, they would have noticed that Nagihiko was even more withdrawn than usual, and that he would jump about a foot every time one of Tadase "ex"-friends got near him. The guys who had done that horrible thing to him seemed to notice, and made it a habit to go near him as much as possible. Tadase would have been one to notice his behavior, but he couldn't bring himself to even look in Nagihiko's direction.

And Nagihiko couldn't bring himself to look at Tadase either.

He had given the blonde one final call after what had happened, but of course he hadn't picked up. He left a message, desperately asking him to speak with him, assuring him that what happened wasn't his fault, and when Tadase listened to it he couldn't help but cry.

And he went back and listened to every message the boy had left him over the past few months. The first few were happy, and made him smile at the memory, but they progressively got worse the more desperate Nagihiko got, and Tadase found himself filled with emotion. He had been wrong, all this time. His reason for staying away from his lover was completely absurd. Nagihiko wouldn't rush things! If Tadase wanted to wait until he had the sex-change operation, then Nagihiko would have waited. And really, was it gay at all?

Tadase felt so ashamed. Nagihiko loved him so much, he needed him more than Tadase could even understand, but yet he had been abandoned. And now... now Tadase felt like it was too late. Nagihiko had been so hurt, both physically and emotionally, he knew it was too late to remedy it. No, everything was lost.

Maybe he would be forgiven, but Tadase couldn't bare to forgive himself. Nagihiko deserved better than him.

Then one day, after school, it all officially ended.

The blonde had been walking home, debating whether or not he should perhaps call Nagihiko, just to apologize and wish him well, when he noticed a very particular sight. On one of the overpasses located on his route home their seemed to be a sort of a struggle taking place. Tadase strained his eyes, struggling to see what was going on, thinking it was a gang fight and that perhaps he should find another route home. But then he caught a flash of indigo.

It was now or never, right? He could fix everything.

Without allowing himself to give it a second thought, Tadase quickly walked up towards the group, telling himself that he had no other choice, not letting himself turn around no matter how desperately he wished to. As he got closer he noticed that one of the guys had his arms wrapped around Nagihiko's shoulders. And although he was jerking and kicking fiercely, he could not escape.

"What are you doing?" Tadase asked, his voice coming out much more boldly than he felt. Everyone turned to him, the ring leader of the boys Tadase called his friends not too long ago smirking at him.

"I'm teaching him a lesson, since he didn't seem to grasp the concept the first time," he said darkly, causing Tadase's blood to boil. "I'm trying to get him to quit his faggy ways."

"But what exactly are you going to do to him?" Even though Tadase asked this he was terrified to hear the answer.

"Rough him up a little, maybe throw him from the overpass," the nonchalant way he said it made Tadase sick. He was acting as if someone else's life was just a toy.

"You're not serious, right?"

The guy gave him a serious look, one that Tadase knew held no hint of humor in it, "Of course I am."

And, just to prove his point, he punched Nagihiko right in the stomach. He tried to double over, the pain shooting through him, but the one holding him didn't allow him to move. Instead, he just gasped for air like a fish out of water, small sounds resembling sobs leaving his lips. The attacker's grin sickened Tadase, and as he poised himself to strike again Tadase moved without a second though, grabbing his arm in his hand.

This was his chance to redeem himself. He could finally be the strong person he wanted to, he could save Nagihiko, and, even if he was bullied and humiliated, he would be with the one he liked, no, the one he loved.

"Don't get in my way, Hotori," the guy hissed, his expression dark and threatening. Tadase was scared shitless, but he knew he couldn't back done.

"No, he did nothing to deserve this. You're going way too far," Tadase said, his voice determined but his eyes scared. The other smirked.

"No, he did. It's an abomination for a guy to want to become a woman of all things, and besides, if he were to get a boyfriend than he really would be homo, which is definitely a sin," he said calmly, as if he had it all figured out.

"Is it your place to judge him though?" Tadase asked uncertainly, trying to convince them to let Nagihiko go without giving too much away.

"Of course it is. I have as much of a right to do so as anyone else. Besides, I figured I could knock some sense into him," And, before Tadase could grasp what was happening, the person he was weakly holding had restrained him, and the others had pounced on Nagihiko.

"Stop!" Tadase pleaded desperately, but they wouldn't listen to him. Nagihiko was punched in the stomach and the head, kicked in the crotch, and as he doubled over from the pain of this, was kicked again. As he fell his head hit the sidewalk, and he let out a shriek of pain. The boys laughed, and Tadase's chest ached.

"We won't stop until he's learned his lesson, right?" the guy restraining Tadase said slyly. Tadase immediately knew what had to be done; Nagihiko had to tell them that he would not dress as a woman anymore. But Nagihiko had pride, Nagihiko wouldn't say that. So, how could Tadase fix this?

"So, retard, are you going to stop running around in a skirt and realize that you're a man?" One of the attackers leaned over and hissed in Nagihiko's ear. The boy looked up with wide, pained eyes at his boyfriend, desperately seeking help. Tadase knew that he wouldn't want to do it, but he nodded his head slightly, urging him to just accept their order.

And the look in Nagihiko's eyes grew dark, and the bond between the two completely snapped. Even at this time, Tadase was ashamed to help him stand up for who he truly was. He was asking him to lie and be someone he wasn't. "No, I _am_a woman, so I won't stop acting as one."

'No no no no no' was the only thought that Tadase could process. Yes, it was bad to be walked all over by those that thought they were better than you, but sometimes it was better to just relinquish your pride and go along with it. But Nagihiko was stronger, and more stubborn, than Tadase. He wouldn't give up the one thing that defined who he was. Even if it ended him, he wouldn't quit being who he was.

And so, he staggered to his feet and turned around to face the other's. And even though he was pretty strong, it was three on one, and there was no way he could possible win. But yet he tried.

He desperately threw kicks and punches at the three doing the same to him, as Tadase squirmed about trying to get free and assist him. But it was no good, and soon Nagihiko was blood and bruised, standing weakly near the edge of the overpass, breathing heavily.

"Haven't you done enough?" Tadase weakly asked, stalling in his attempts to get free. The one holding him laughed, his voice as cold as ice.

"It won't be enough until he's dead."

What happened next was just a fluke, something that nobody had planned to happen, and nobody expected to happen. Maybe it was the sirens blaring in the background, or maybe it was the fact one of the guys tripped over an untied shoelace and fell forward. All Tadase knew, looking back on it, was that everyone began to rush away from the scene, and that one of these people ran right into Nagihiko.

Even though he normally had immaculate balance, he was so weakened that this caused him to stumble, his arms spinning desperately as he tried to keep his balance. But it was of no use, and soon he was falling backwards.

"Nagihiko!" Tadase screamed as the others ran away in fear, racing toward him as he left the pavement, his body flying through the air. Tadase desperately jumped forwards, his hands clawing at the air, trying in vain to grab something that was out of his reach.

~oOo~

Really... he was not surprised by the other's presence. They was there often enough that it was a normal thing. Somehow, as if they had telepathy, they always appeared when he was doing _that,_ the other thing he often did, besides the cutting and the throwing up, the other thing that made him feel less lonely.

The other's body would slither over him and, as his toes curled into the sheets and his body shook from the ecstasy consuming him, they would begin bouncing on top of him, at such a quick and orgasmic speed that soon he was be crying out their name into the night air.

And, as the substance coated his fingers, and he came down from the unbelievable heights he had reached, he would be greatly saddened to see that he was once again all alone.

Bu then again, that was a quite normal thing now and he was not surprised by it once bit.

~oOo~

When Tadase walked into the classroom the day after the accident, everyone knew something horrible had happened. For one thing, he was at least two hours late, and in all of his years of schooling he had never been late once. Another, the bags under his eyes were so enormous that it was unlikely he had slept for half an hour the night before. The third weird thing was that the air he wore was completely depressed, as if he had nothing to live for whatsoever.

But the last, and most surprising thing, was the way he walked right across the room and stopped right in front the person who was his best friend just three weeks ago's desk, and stared him straight in the eyes with a disgusted look.

"Are you happy?" he asked, his voice much darker than what anymore imagine the prince of the school could sound like. The guy in front of him squirmed nervously, not quite sure of how to handle this.

Tadase didn't like being ignored, though. His voice raising loudly, he said forcefully, "I asked you if you were happy."

"No," he murmured quietly, looking away, not being able to meet Tadase's eyes. How could he, after what had happened?

"Why not? You got exactly what you wanted," Tadase spat harshly, rage filling his face. "You wanted him to die, didn't you? That's what you've been saying for the past few years."

"I..." He had no idea how to defend himself. What could he possibly say to make Tadase stop attacking him, but yet not give in?

"Did he deserve this? What had he ever done to you?"

"Besides being a fag?" He scoffed sarcastically.

The next thing he knew, Tadase had flown at him and he was falling backwards from his chair, crashing to the floor with a loud noise. The class jumped to their feet, letting out surprised sounds as Tadase's fists met the other's face again and again. Tadase felt the other's nose crack, blood spurting out of it grossly, but yet he wasn't satisfied... he wouldn't be satisfied until he broke every bone in that jackass's body.

"Guess who watched Nagihiko hit the ground, watched his last moment of life before his body broke and blood swamped the pavement. Guess who had to go tell his mom what happened, had to tell her that her only child was dead, had to watch her sob so hard she couldn't even breathe. Guess who stayed up all night, not being able to sleep because every time he closed his eyes he saw Nagihiko die in humiliation."

Throughout every word he spoke, he delivered another punch to the other's face. He desperately tried to shield himself, his hands uselessly flying up to protect his face, but Tadase was so determined, so enraged, that he was unstoppable.

"Stop!" one of his classmates cried out, jumping forward to grab onto Tadase and pull him off of the other. It took another person as well to restrain him, and as soon as he was off of the other, still shaking with rage, some of the girls rushed over to help him sit up.

"Why is this such a big deal? He was just your classmate, nothing more."

The words stung Tadase, and made him freeze. After a long moment he finally spoke, his words coming out so strangely that it wasn't even as though it were him.

"No, that's not true. We've been dating for almost four months, and I am in love with him. Or rather, I am in love with _her._"

And the ones holding him let go, and he walked from the room without a second glance back until he got to the doorway. He looked straight at the class, his voice shaking, "And thanks to you, she'll never know my feelings."

~oOo~

Ever since the one he loved had died, he had been so lonely. He isolated himself from his classmates, former friends, and parents. He began cutting himself, eating less, and then regurgitating what little he did eat. And although he didn't ever really hallucinate, whenever he touched himself Nagihiko was there, and it was Nagihiko who was touching him.

It was hard for him to go on, for a while. Everywhere he went he was reminded of Nagihiko, and how the two had ended on such a sour note. How Nagihiko probably hated him when he died, and Tadase thought that he somehow deserved that anyway. He had been so scared to reveal the truth, but now the whole thing just felt so stupid.

At the time, the right thing to do had felt so hard, like it would tear him apart and ruin everything, but now that he had done the wrong thing, he realized that no matter what would have happened if he had stood up for what he wanted, it could never be even nearly as bad as the guilt, pain, and suffering that was consuming him now.

Nagihiko had been the only one who could fulfill his heart, and now he would never see him again. Somehow, Tadase felt as though he had a black hole in his body, and no matter how hard he tried to escape it, it would just keep sucking him further and further into his regrets.

But he deserved it, because he had been weak. And he was still weak now, choosing to live in the past rather than accept his issues and move on. But, then again, it was easier to wallow in self-pity than try to fix one's life.

Even though it had always been his dream to be strong, he still couldn't do it. But how could he possibly be strong for himself, when he had let down someone he loved more than life itself?

~oOo~

A/N: I finally wrote something that's not rimahiko, but yet Nagi still died xD (I'm so sadistic towards him, aren't I?)  
This has almost nine thousands words, and it started off as a short one-shot O_e But this just came to me so easily... I've spent much too much time being yaoi obsessed, I suppose. -_-"

So, if you liked this rather odd story, please review and/or favorite! Constructive criticism is _always_ welcomed! Thanks for reading. :)


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